I Want to Change the World, Instead I Sleep.

I feel weird.  Lonely almost.  Not sure why.  I know I need sleep right now.  Still analyzing and it's annoying.  My head is actually starting to hurt cuz my thoughts feel so clogged.  I want to sort them out.  I guess start fresh tomorrow and see what happens.

promise not to promise anymore

How did we get here?  I don't think anything will ever feel like "home" again.  Not that I can remember what that home felt like, really.  I can't remember the good things.  Only the bad stand out.  It's been too much of the bad in the past few years.  I guess you don't realize it at the time.  You just keep plugging along, waiting for things to get better.  Eventually they do, but it's missing pieces.  It's like the whole time, you've been watching things happen but not letting yourself feel them happen.  Maybe that's what I'm feeling now.  There are so many things I wish I could admit to myself but I think I guard myself from those things cuz I'm not ready for it.  I may never be.  I'm not strong enough to do anything about it, not yet.  I don't want to be guarded forever.  I don't want to be bitter anymore.  It's exhausting to a point.  I do a good job of keeping things together and blocking things out to just, keep breathing I guess, and sometimes it's a lot to keep in. 

I'm back in Waterbury, maybe a therapist wouldn't be such a bad idea.

EDIT:  My emo cloud seems to have passed.  A good cry felt much better.  Woo

It should be evident

Courtesy of Aunt Flo and stress, I have been graced with those wonderful little stress pimples on my chin.  Haven't seen them in a while and can't say it's nice to have them back.  Along with those let's give a big shout out to the return of migraines.  Always a favorite.  

I'm ridiculous.

Going to get some of my hair chopped off which will be a nice change provided it doesn't get screwed up and it's actually even this time.  

Too bad you can't just hire a magician to make unpleasant things disappear.  You know, pimples, migraines, John McCain and Sarah Palin, taxes, crazy people, etc.  Maybe it's something worth looking into.

Going back to get away after everything has changed

Quite a bit has happened since July.  Let's go in numerical order.

1. I left the aquarium finally.  While it's awesome to get away from there, I do miss the people I met there and now I need to find a new job, like asap.
2. Dad and I moved into an apartment back in Waterbury.  It comes with its pros and cons as most things do.  Pros being that I'm no longer 45 minutes + away from school, some family, Adam and my friends.  I also have the kitty along with my own room which will soon be furnished with a full size pillow top bed.  Cons including, but not limited to, I haven't had one night of sleep that's lasted longer than 3 hours, the paint smell that doesn't want to leave, and the noisy little herd of elephants that live above us.  There are still many miles to go until things are settled.
   
3. School started today and I have developed a love for sign language.
4. It hasn't happened yet but Michael and Felix are moving to NY in less than 2 weeks.  UGH.  I try not to give it much thought right now.
   

I'm at the boy's right now.  I'm going to go home soon.  I want to freaking sleep tonight.  In the past 4 days the only good night of sleep I've had was here.  Hopefully my mind will stop sneak attacking me at night.  

Sometimes I feel like I'm living someone else's life cuz things are always changing.  It's hard to get a grasp on permanence.  Thankfully there's Adam.  

Comcast better give me my internet back tomorrow or someone is gonna get f'ed up.

Hopefully I don't look back at this entry and consider it to be dramatic.  I'm really just sleep deprived and stressed at this point.

Time Will Tell

I wish everyone will stop saying "give her time" or "she'll come around."  I don't want to "come around."  I planned on never talking to her again so don't give her false hope.  She's a cancer and I don't trust her, probably never will.  I've been fine without her, not to mention she's the reason we're all in the situations that we're in.  I blame her for pretty much everything, but I acknowledge some of it was out of it was influenced by idiots with PhDs.  She never wanted to get better and now that the things we've been telling her would happen are happening, she's shocked and confused and depressed.  Maybe you should have listened to us from the beginning and none of this would have happened.  I'm ready to move on.  It's been SO long and I don't want her to fuck things up- again.  

Despite it all, I still feel sorry for her and that terrifies me more than anything.  To see her show emotions other than anger and malice, to be vulnerable and scared leaves me absolutely dumbfounded.  I don't know how to deal anymore other than to keep her cut her off and turn my back and arm myself with my imaginary shield.  There's a very good chance she'll end up in the hospital again because of depression.  Most likely for the best.  But does that mean the pressure will be on me to have to visit her and help get her out of it?  What exactly has she done for me?  Or even given my well being a second thought in the past 2+ years?  The answers to those last two questions tell me that I owe her nothing.

She has hurt me and most likely fucked me up in ways I've never imagined.  Forgiveness and compassion won't come easy, if at all, even if she is my mother.

So sad..

You can always depend on Perez for the latest Hollywood gossip but every now and then he has some serious news that actually matters.  This is one of the most touching stories I've ever heard of.  To be so young and have such strength and maturity.  I don't think I could ever handle that in such a way, even though I'm nearly 3 times his age.  It truly makes you realize how precious time is and that it shouldn't be wasted on superficial things.  Every moment should count.  You should do things that truly make you happy with the people that matter the most to you because that's the stuff that you'll always remember and pull you through the tough times.

Boom Boom

A big storm is coming and the thunder sounds pretty fierce. There's nothing better than having a thunderstorm at the end of a hot, muggy day.  It's like mother nature had all this pent up energy and what better way to release it than some downpours, cracking thunder and streaky lightning!?  

I'm ridiculously stuffy right now and it's driving me nuts.  I just finished filling out a housing application for my dad and I.  He should be dropping it off tomorrow and hopefully some good will come of it.  Fingers are crossed.  I miss living with my dad.  We're both so laid back and we look out for each other.  AH.  The idea of decorating my own room and being able to escape to it at the end of the day makes me want to burst.