Time Will Tell

I wish everyone will stop saying "give her time" or "she'll come around."  I don't want to "come around."  I planned on never talking to her again so don't give her false hope.  She's a cancer and I don't trust her, probably never will.  I've been fine without her, not to mention she's the reason we're all in the situations that we're in.  I blame her for pretty much everything, but I acknowledge some of it was out of it was influenced by idiots with PhDs.  She never wanted to get better and now that the things we've been telling her would happen are happening, she's shocked and confused and depressed.  Maybe you should have listened to us from the beginning and none of this would have happened.  I'm ready to move on.  It's been SO long and I don't want her to fuck things up- again.  

Despite it all, I still feel sorry for her and that terrifies me more than anything.  To see her show emotions other than anger and malice, to be vulnerable and scared leaves me absolutely dumbfounded.  I don't know how to deal anymore other than to keep her cut her off and turn my back and arm myself with my imaginary shield.  There's a very good chance she'll end up in the hospital again because of depression.  Most likely for the best.  But does that mean the pressure will be on me to have to visit her and help get her out of it?  What exactly has she done for me?  Or even given my well being a second thought in the past 2+ years?  The answers to those last two questions tell me that I owe her nothing.

She has hurt me and most likely fucked me up in ways I've never imagined.  Forgiveness and compassion won't come easy, if at all, even if she is my mother.