promise not to promise anymore

How did we get here?  I don't think anything will ever feel like "home" again.  Not that I can remember what that home felt like, really.  I can't remember the good things.  Only the bad stand out.  It's been too much of the bad in the past few years.  I guess you don't realize it at the time.  You just keep plugging along, waiting for things to get better.  Eventually they do, but it's missing pieces.  It's like the whole time, you've been watching things happen but not letting yourself feel them happen.  Maybe that's what I'm feeling now.  There are so many things I wish I could admit to myself but I think I guard myself from those things cuz I'm not ready for it.  I may never be.  I'm not strong enough to do anything about it, not yet.  I don't want to be guarded forever.  I don't want to be bitter anymore.  It's exhausting to a point.  I do a good job of keeping things together and blocking things out to just, keep breathing I guess, and sometimes it's a lot to keep in. 

I'm back in Waterbury, maybe a therapist wouldn't be such a bad idea.

EDIT:  My emo cloud seems to have passed.  A good cry felt much better.  Woo